Cleverness

Well what has transpired in the past week in a bit? I meant to update this yesterday, but I have a horrible memory. Last week was pretty uneventful for the most part.

Friday after work, I went and got a super sweet tattoo. I love it. People think I'm clever, even thought it's not what I imagined in my head. It's my tattoo artist who's clever.

Saturday night, I went out to the Pyramid to go check out, Bruthers of Different Muthers, Dreadnaught, and Breach of Trust. I was wasted. They put on a really good shows. I need to learn to be more quiet whilst drinking. Had a great time, stayed for way too long. I met Breach of Trust years ago when I was 16. They were opening up for Finger Eleven, I remember talking to them, and they were really nice guys. That's why I wanted to go see them again, and true to form, they are really nice guys.

I couldn't sleep in on Sunday for whatever reason. Was up way too early. Went to the mall in the afternoon. Bought two CDs. Was at the station at 4:30. Gave me plenty of time to find my music, have a simple game plan, and start. I knew what I wanted to start off the show with. I knew generally the songs/bands I wanted to play. When the show started, I had two or three songs lined up, after that I had no idea. I kept it up the entire show, not knowing what I was going to play the next song or two. Just ideas and moods, after listening to one song, well I'd like to hear this next, and so forth.

Three shows down, five to go until Jocelyn returns.

After the show I stuck around the station for a bit. Found and listened to some new music. Came home listened to said music. Watched a bunch of romantic comedies that were playing on Movie Time. Laid in bed, listened to music again whilst reading Hard Core Roadshow. The journal of writing a movie about a four punk guys, doing a reunion tour is awesome. It makes me want to start a band, and tour.

Today I listened to Bike for Three, most of the day. I love Richard Terfry/Buck 65. Just something about his voice, and the lyrics he comes up with. Joelle the other person in this project, her music is so very imaginative. I really enjoy this collaboration. I think it's so amazing that they've never actually met in person.

It makes me really want to write and create. Start something up.

The only thing holding me back, is myself.

Need/Thinking

I'm unsure what to do. I'm unsure what to think. I'm just unsure. All I've been doing is thinking the past few days. I've been lost inside my own head, thinking, thinking thinking. Need to stop. No more thinking. Can't stop. Downloading T.V. Shows and music. Need to go music shopping.

I was watching Elvis Costello Spectacle with Lou Reed on Friday. Lou was talking about writing, and where it comes from, and he doesn't know. But not to stop it or get in the way when the writing does come. That's my issue, there's nothing, nothing, nothing. Then the flood gates open. Then I start over thinking what's coming out, whether it sounds corny and lame. I shouldn't, I should just write it all down and worry about that stuff later. Lou said he knew he was in trouble when he started revising. Elvis threw in about how one needs to stop thinking, don't think and just let it happen. I need to work on not thinking.

I feel so very uncreative at the moment. Looking for things to inspire me. Maybe I should stop looking and it will come to me. I can't go chasing after it. I'm scared when I don't write things down, certain ideas, phrases and lyrics will be lost forever. Lou said he's been alive long enough to know it's not gone forever. I'm hopeful for this. I've lost some good ones for now. I want them to come back to me. Stop looking and they will come. Stop thinking and it will fall into place.

Work schedule for the summer is messed. I don't get weekends anymore, which makes it really hard for me to go home at any point. Well I could go home, but everyone would be busy, because one day off is Monday. I don't work Sunday, but I do have the show. This is my last weekend pretty much to go home. So Friday I will go to Wab's music video release party. Saturday I will go home, and return late Sunday, or horribly early Monday.

24

Today I am now 24. Came to work, and am currently still at work. I think the plan for tonight is me and a friend are going to see Grand Analog and stick out like sore thumbs at a hip hop show. But it should be fun.

Monday we went to the grand re-opening of the West End Cultural Centre. It was awesome, Hawksley Workman was hilarious. He's an egomaniac (in the best possible use of the word), but incredibly entertaining. It was super cool, it was just him with his guitar and Mr. Lonely on piano. Very intimate, between songs, he would do what seemed to be a stand-up comedy routine. Like I said very entertaining. He has amazing vocal abilities. I would definitely go see him again. I could see how every show he does is a different experience from the last. The way he would strut across the stage was awesome and amazing.

Greg MacPherson was cool. I love his songwriting style, it's very storytellerish. I totally love song writers who tell stories with their lyrics and melodies. It was just him on stage with his guitar, he switched between an acoustic and two electrics. It was sort of empowering/inspiring to see him on stage just himself and his guitar. It's like you don't necessarily need a band, just you and your guitar, and that's it.

So that sort of got me into a songwriting mood. After the show, and started penning a country tune for a friend. I wrote my own lonesome country tune a week or so ago, and coincidentally my friend's life is like a soap opera. Based on her experiences over the past week and a bit, the song practically wrote itself. It's like the Simpsons when Homer writes Baby on Board, there was a moment when I was writing and was like "hey this song practically writes itself".

I need to practice guitar as I often say. But I can rarely get the focus I need, or the patience. I'm very easily distracted, at least with writing it's purging and getting everything out. But practicing guitar is a very different thing. I hate when I get an awesome lyric or line in my head and I'm driving, and it's just not possible for me to pull over to start writing, otherwise I'd be on the side of the highway for hours. When I finally get to my destination the line is now gone. It's such a peevish quality of mine.

But Grand Analog should be fun tonight, and should be a low key event. Tomorrow night is Subcity Dwellers, the Farrell Bros' and The Magnificent 7's. That also promises to be a good fun time.

Charlieland

I should really be sleeping right now. It's still relatively early in Charlieland. It's after 1 am. I don't work until the afternoon, so sleep shouldn't be an issue. The issue is I need about 12 hours of sleep. I'll probably sleep shortly but who really knows.

I'm not posting from work for a change. I temporarily have access to a laptop which affords me access to wireless Internet. I'm not sure how long this arrangement will last.

Today was awesome. I met up with a few good friends, and went to the grounds of the legislative building. We smoked a joint, and just sat around, chilled and talked for the afternoon. One of my friends had a guitar, so that was fun, I brought along my Wilson Meyer. It was good fun times. Talked about various things, and topics. Brought me some insight to move on from things I cannot change.

The most complete randomness always happens to me. It's just utter randomness, I don't get it, and it always happens to me. I totally just attract random events.

I was talking with one of my friends, and there's so many awesome things coming up this week. Wednesday Shout Out Out Out Out is playing at the Pyramid. On Saturday is 80s vs 90s Night also happening at the Pyramid. It should be good fun times. I plan to dance my ass off both nights. I'm totally stoked.

I was talking with my friend earlier about these interviews I've been watching as of late. I've been totally into Queens of the Stone Age as of late, as well as the Desert Sessions. I've come to the conclusion that Josh Homme is totally amazing, and I look up to him. His interviews are amazing. I was watching this one series of interviews he was doing while promoting Lullabies to Paralyze. The question would be posed, and I was bored, and doing the thing I do, so I would talk aloud and answer the question the way I would answer it. His words were my words. The things he was thinking about music and life, were the things I was thinking. There was one thing that was a total turning point, and is one of my true beliefs. He's like if there's something you can't change, fuck it. There's no point wasting time on it. And that's one of the pillars of my life, and the one I've been struggling with the most as of late. Situations you cannot change, and not being able to just say fuck it. It was just totally amazing, and it made me appreciate him as an artist, and musician that much more. The thoughts and the words that he was conveying.

His thoughts about writing, and creating a certain imagery. But not finishing the sentence, that's up to the viewer/listener to do. It's better that way. I love his writing and his music, and the way he uses certain imagery, and how he doesn't finish the sentence, he lets us the audience do it, and I'd really like to do that with my writing.

I've been not practicing much guitar lately. I've been mainly working on words. I've come up with quite a bit of words actually, but how they will fit with music I'm unsure. I have some melodies that want to get out of my head. However they're still not sure how. My guitar skills are still very limited. That can only be helped with practice. However I find it hard to practice without getting frustrated. I must move on, control my temper and have more patience. The words are coming. I just need help with the music.

Hurricane

The breeze greets the ocean
With friendly intentions
It responds with cool trepidation
The breeze waits with
much anticipation
They mingle and grow fond
of one another
And work to create
this intense bond
The tension builds up inside
There's so much pressure
there's nowhere to hide
from the storm that's about
to be unleashed
Together they create hurricanes, baby
Nothing can stop the
path that they have set
You better not stand in their way
Unless you're prepared to let
Everything go away
They have absolutely nothing left
to prove
The tension builds up inside
There is so much pressure
there's nowhere to hide
Nothing will remain in their wake
They get everything they
can take.
And break what
they can't have.
The energy is they release
is so obscene.
Everyone knows what it means.
The tension builds up inside
There's so much pressure
There's nowhere to hide
It's here for everyone to see.
You better get
out of their path
Unless you're ready to
feel their wrath.

Two More Weeks

Two more weeks and I'm spending 5 days with my bestest. I'm so stoked. Shopping shall be had, especially shopping for cowboy/cowgirl boots. I need to get out of this city, yesterday. I've just been in a really fowl mood in the past week or two. I've been having a really short temper, and not been into people trying to cheer me up. It's like leave me the fuck alone please. This one girl at work she's funny, but it's like fuck leave me alone when I'm in a bad mood. She just asked me in a joking way why I was being such a bitch today. Kindly fuck off. I've been bitchy the past two weeks almost. I've just been very quiet and introspective as of late. I'm so not in the fucking mood to keep up appearances right now. The only thing that's keeping me from being totally miserable is that in two weeks, I will be far away from this place. If someone asks me the most innocent question in the wrong way, I might just rip their head off. I really have no tolerance for retardedness. Actually I have no tolerance for anything right now, even if you're being sweet, that might just piss me off more. I just want to be left alone, but I work until Friday then finally get Saturday and Sunday off. I've been working since last Tuesday. I just want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone right now, because I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I just really fucking want to be left alone. People are asking me what's wrong. It's like nothing really, I just don't feel like me, but that's ok. I don't know what's wrong so it's an impossible question for me to answer. I think once I'm with my bestest I'll be ok, she grounds me and makes things better. And I'll be away from this godforsaken place. I think that's it. I just need to get away. I've been stuck in this city for too god damned long. My escapes away back home, aren't really escapes, I think that's just been adding to everything that hasn't been going on. I need a real escape and the mountains will definitely be a real escape. Just keep on repeating over and over in my head two more weeks, two more weeks. That's like my zen mantra, or at the very least how I'm trying to keep zen. I just recently started re reading Fight Club. I love that book, it's totally one of my favourites. This Friday I believe at work I'm going to finally pay off my long overdue library fines, and get a brand spankin' new library card, before you need credit checks for one. Since I've posted a few song lyrics today. I'll end off this post with some original writing.

There is one thing you should know
As much as I go with the flow
I'm not that laid back,
Or super cool
It's just a show put on for you
It's a show called my life
I invite everyone inside
To see the grand facade
Everything is blind or numb
Can't help but feel so dumb.

Glutton

A million and one thoughts
racing through my head
I wonder how all of this will end
All these thoughts can't escape
I just want you to be my date
It always turns out this way
I don't know why
I'm so surprised
There was nothing you tried to hide
But still it makes me feel like shit inside
Just want everything to stop
But can't seem to get enough
Glutton for punishment
It's not how things should have went
Standing here watching everything come and go
Never have to feel this low
But I'm a glutton for punishment
This is something you should know.

Can't Keep This To Myself

I'm currently at work. So far the morning has been uneventful. I've been listening to this awesome new CD by this artist named Wab Kinew, and his album is called Live by the Drum. I'm not generally a fan of rap music, however I'm really enjoying the lyrics, and the beats he's creating. It's just a killer album every song has it's highlights. I'm not sure if there's a song that I DON'T like. In the mean time I don't have a voice, or the voice that I have left sounds horrid. I can't scream, like what if I was to get attacked or something? I wouldn't have a voice to defend myself. I was on the radio last night for a few brief seconds. One of my friends hosts a local radio show on Sunday night, and I was helping her answer phones for the FunDrive. At one point she convinced me to go on air. I did my shtick which is a lot of Awesomes, Totallys and For Sures. We talked a bit about Propagandhi, it was fun. It just opened up my eyes a little bit more. I really want to be on the radio, but I'm not sure what I'd talk about, or what I'd play, because I like such a wide variety of music. What would my radio show be like. Those are the thoughts I've been entertaining in my head since last night. I've been immersing myself into music as well. I'm working on writing my own, what will my album be like when it's released. What genre would my music be. I'm unsure, I believe it'll be more rock influenced. That seems to be the genre of music I listen to the most. I really want to start recording. However I must write first, my inspiration as of late has been amazing. I don't know if there has previously been a time in my life when I've felt this inspired. It's such a great feeling. I think I'm starting to write an album. Well I'm writing poems as of late, which I hope to convert or gather some inspiration from for lyrics. I'm really stoked at this creative process. It's a challenge thinking creatively after all of these years thinking very logically and linearly. I'm enjoying this challenge. I'm totally looking forward to the future and what it holds. My nowhere tattoo is such an inspiration to my life now. I'm totally stoked I finally got it. It's just nothing but pure inspiration for me. For me, my life is currently all about inspiration and creativity. In the near future I'd like to collaborate with some people, but for now I'm all about internalising, and collaborating with myself. I've been getting into the local music scene, and it's great how these bands do so much on their own without being afraid. I'm looking within myself for that type of courage. To be unafraid what people think and bare myself on stage. But that's what's mainly going through my mind as of late.

Awesomness

Everything is good for now. I figured shit out last night, and like I said in times like this everything rectifies itself, and most things have figured themselves out. I'm super stoked and excited over the latest developments. I really couldn't be happier. I'm sure I could be happier, but not much could make me that much happier. I booked a week off of work next month, to visit my bestest. It shall be awesome. I just have to book my flights now. Hopefully by the middle of next week I shall have that done. I'm so stoked. Here's just a lil something I started last night. I don't believe it's done yet.

You and I are so bad for eachother.
Whenever I'm with you,
I have such a blast,
But if something were to happen between us,
I just don't think it'll last.

Lost

I don't even know where to start with this. It seems as if everything is good, but at the same moment everything seems to be falling apart. I just don't know what to think, or do. My options seems to be running out. But I know in like a week or two things will be more bearable. I know in my life when everything seems to be going down the shitter, it's only a matter of time before everything rectifies itself. I'm so glad I finally got my nowhere tattoo. It's definitely helping me a lot as of late. I just tend to fuck things up, or make things weird with people. I try not to, but I keep on repeating past mistakes, hoping the next situation will turn out differently, but so far it has yet too. Here's something I wrote in the past few weeks. I've been doing a lot of drinking lately and it's been helping me write. I think this may become a bad dependency, however I'm enjoying it for now. I should learn to write without the help of any drug or alcohol stimulus, however I need it for the time being.

These feelings that you're making me feel inside
They scare me to death
I've never really felt like this before
The thought of being without you is terrifying
I must keep this bottled up deep inside
I'm scared to lose myself
I'm scared of the person I may become
You seem to make me different, but the same
All these thoughts are driving me insane.
I cannot explain the way you make me feel.
Everything is disorder and chaos
But things couldn't seem clearer
I just want you to be nearer,
I want to stop feeling this way.
Can you feel this way too?
No one gets me quite like you do
You almost make me feel sane.

The Things I Do

Why do I do to the things I do?
I'm designed to destroy everything
It makes me feel like such a fool
I just can't say no
Oh, the trouble it gets me into
He knows my heart belongs to someone else.
What am I to do?
I can't trust myself,
To make the right decision
We seen each other in a light,
That was never meant to be
I hope that things don't change,
I chase everyone away,
I'm so fucked up,
I can't really help it.