Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm a fuck up. That's pretty much it. I love the drama, can't seem to escape it. I try to, but find myself being drawn back. Now it's pretty much over, but I know I'll always be there for people in my life, even though I should've let them go long ago. It's over before it starts. I get into relationships like that, where I know it's over before it even starts. But I'm in love with being in love, no matter how shitty and fucked up the situation is. I don't like letting people down, even though they don't deserve the goodness that comes from me. I must grow up and learn and move on. We know this won't actually happen.

I turn 25 in 10 days. I'm unsure how I feel about that. I don't know if I'm happy at this point in my life right now. It's making me reflect and think. Last year I had at these grandiose plans. None of which I've actually followed through on. I seem to be all talk and no action. Must work on the action part.

I make horrible decisions. But I must accept them, and go on with life. I don't know what to do, where to go. I can't leave certain people behind even though I must. I don't want to seem to be the abandoner, although they first abandoned me. I realise I make the wrong kinds of "friends" but I think they need my help and no one else will give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve that benefit, but I want them to prove everyone else wrong, and they just end up confirming everyone else's suspicions about them. So embarrassing. I need to start updating this more often. It helps me self-reflect. No more internet at home. We had a good run. I'd say a year off of free hi-jacked internet was more than enough time. I'm surprised it lasted that long.

On a more positive note, my mom, yesterday, spiritually adopted this guy into our family. So now I have another brother, spiritually. It was my first time meeting him, and she's known him for years. He seems like a pretty rad dude from the vibe I got from him. He's family now. I was joking with my mom after he left, next time I see him in public, I'm gonna be like "hey brother, can I have some money?" I learned we have a similar sense of humour. After the adoption, he asked my mom, "does this mean I'm in the will now?" It's been a gorgeous weekend, and I had a 4 day weekend, one of those days I was sick though, the other 3 spent out in the park, the zoo and the sun.

Plans for this weekend, go to Kenora with my bestest for May long. Lots of bevys shall be had.