Idiot

I feel like such a fucking fool, and idiot. I expect the best out of people, because I only give them the best of me, and expect the same in return. But I suppose that is too much to ask for.

I've been told I'm a horrible judge of character and I suppose I am. But even my own family? Like my own blood? I just don't understand. This is the second time I've known about this person has gone behind my back. Then acts like my best friend when I see them in person. Like what the fuck? Just be real. I hate fake people.

Reoccurring themes in my life. Same shit, different day. I'm just done with certain people. FUCKING DONE, like dinner! Like fuck. This is a rant-like blog post, if you haven't noticed that already.

But seriously folks, like where has the trust in this world gone? Maybe I just trust in the wrong people? But who are the right people? All I want is to find someone where the trust will remain unbroken and intact. But trust just seems to break.

I need to escape this city, and just be alone and think. But it seems like I have nowhere to go. I'll figure something out.

Commit

I cannot commit to anything, not even self-destruction. Last year I was on this sure path to self-destruction. I was drinking 4-7 times a week, getting drunk each and every time. A week of me taking it easy, meant me drinking 3 times a week.

Self-destruction was to be my release, however that never happened. My drinking is now in check, and I get drunk maybe once a week if that. My world of excess is no longer in excess. With my alcohol-induced state, I was able to write to much. Accomplish so much writing, no matter how melancholy the writing was, it was still writing. Since my life of excess has subsided, I've noticed my writing has also slowed. I have no idea if this is directly related but it seems to be.

I don't seem to get the same motivation from getting high. The thoughts and ideas don't flow out of me, like they did when alcohol was involved. The reason I don't drink as much, is because with alcohol, a lot of other baggage comes with it for me. It's a very tough balance. Well actually I was able to maintain the alcohol without other substances becoming involved, for some time. Almost a year. I made it almost a year, but then the bad things were introduced back into my life. It was like they had never left. This spelt a troubling time for me. Where there was absolutely no inspiration, just shit around every corner. I felt myself falling back into this hole. I didn't want to get lost again, and luckily I was able to break free.

I'm now at a point, where I miss my writing, but I'm unsure of myself. I don't have the confidence to put my thoughts and ideas out there, thinking everything I produce is shit. I'm in love with my drunk writing, and want that back. I miss it. Must figure a way to keep the balance, be honest with myself and my writing without using alcohol as my muse.

I'm trying and trying, but all my best thoughts come to me right before sleep, and I lay there and wonder; should I write these things now, before they're lost forever? Or should I sleep? Sleep often wins. Need to work on just staying up and writing what decides to flow out of me at whatever time.

I remember when I used to drive, I would be driving and perhaps sometimes stop in the middle of the highway, well pull over of course, and just have a fit of words. But nothing stopped me. I need to get over my issues whatever those may be. Just write, write, write. Don't worry, don't think, don't do anything but write.