Idiot

I feel like such a fucking fool, and idiot. I expect the best out of people, because I only give them the best of me, and expect the same in return. But I suppose that is too much to ask for.

I've been told I'm a horrible judge of character and I suppose I am. But even my own family? Like my own blood? I just don't understand. This is the second time I've known about this person has gone behind my back. Then acts like my best friend when I see them in person. Like what the fuck? Just be real. I hate fake people.

Reoccurring themes in my life. Same shit, different day. I'm just done with certain people. FUCKING DONE, like dinner! Like fuck. This is a rant-like blog post, if you haven't noticed that already.

But seriously folks, like where has the trust in this world gone? Maybe I just trust in the wrong people? But who are the right people? All I want is to find someone where the trust will remain unbroken and intact. But trust just seems to break.

I need to escape this city, and just be alone and think. But it seems like I have nowhere to go. I'll figure something out.

Commit

I cannot commit to anything, not even self-destruction. Last year I was on this sure path to self-destruction. I was drinking 4-7 times a week, getting drunk each and every time. A week of me taking it easy, meant me drinking 3 times a week.

Self-destruction was to be my release, however that never happened. My drinking is now in check, and I get drunk maybe once a week if that. My world of excess is no longer in excess. With my alcohol-induced state, I was able to write to much. Accomplish so much writing, no matter how melancholy the writing was, it was still writing. Since my life of excess has subsided, I've noticed my writing has also slowed. I have no idea if this is directly related but it seems to be.

I don't seem to get the same motivation from getting high. The thoughts and ideas don't flow out of me, like they did when alcohol was involved. The reason I don't drink as much, is because with alcohol, a lot of other baggage comes with it for me. It's a very tough balance. Well actually I was able to maintain the alcohol without other substances becoming involved, for some time. Almost a year. I made it almost a year, but then the bad things were introduced back into my life. It was like they had never left. This spelt a troubling time for me. Where there was absolutely no inspiration, just shit around every corner. I felt myself falling back into this hole. I didn't want to get lost again, and luckily I was able to break free.

I'm now at a point, where I miss my writing, but I'm unsure of myself. I don't have the confidence to put my thoughts and ideas out there, thinking everything I produce is shit. I'm in love with my drunk writing, and want that back. I miss it. Must figure a way to keep the balance, be honest with myself and my writing without using alcohol as my muse.

I'm trying and trying, but all my best thoughts come to me right before sleep, and I lay there and wonder; should I write these things now, before they're lost forever? Or should I sleep? Sleep often wins. Need to work on just staying up and writing what decides to flow out of me at whatever time.

I remember when I used to drive, I would be driving and perhaps sometimes stop in the middle of the highway, well pull over of course, and just have a fit of words. But nothing stopped me. I need to get over my issues whatever those may be. Just write, write, write. Don't worry, don't think, don't do anything but write.

Superheroes

I love a good superhero analogy. Here are my current two favourites. The first is from Kill Bill, and Bill's superhero speech about Clark Kent/Superman which I love.

As you know, I'm quite keen on comic books. Especially theones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favourite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well-drawn. But the mythology...The mythology is not only great, it's unique.

Now, the staple of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up int he morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red “S”, that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears – the glasses, the business suit – that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He's weak...he's unsure of himself...he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race.


Here is my other new favourite, this an an excerpt from Michael Muhammad Knight's book Journey to the End of Islam:


A week after coming home, I saw then new Batman movie, whipping out a notepad and scribbling thoughts in the dark:


post-9/11 PTSD


I felt it in the first shot, the camera zooming in on a building from the POV of Mohamed Ata in a cockpit.

The plot: Gotham City, the fictitious New York, has been overrun by a villain who betrays all the motives and methods of conventional crooks. The Joker is killing cops, assassinating officials, blowing up hospitals, frezing the city with videotaped threats, and declares himself the new ruler of Gotham, but he's not in it for the money or power, they say that he just “wants to see the world burn.” The good guys explicitly refer to the Joker as a terrorist, in case you failed to catch that he's Osama bin Laden.

On the public surface, the Joker's opposition is Harvey Dent, the idealistic new district attorney who wields the power of law and structure. Compulsive coin-tosser Dent believes in a dualistic universe of Good and Evil, with good guys and bad guys clearly defined by the way that they fight. The Joker burns off half his face and murders the love of his life, turning Dent into the monstrous Two-Face who now sets out to kill everyone he blames for his loss-both the criminals and heroes-to make things “fair.”

Batman continues the good fight underground, in ways that the public could never understand. The Joker is only defeated when Wayne Enterprises CEO Lucian Fox-played by Morgan Freeman, whose voice of moral authority has, various time sin his career, allowed him to play God and the president of the United States, as well as Malcolm X two decades before Denzel-agrees to temporarily suspend his ethics and spy on Gotham's citizens through their cell phones. Batman gives him the promise that it's just this one time, after which the computers will be destroyed. Lucian Fox is rewarded for his faith in the outlaw, while Batman shoots Dent and realises that Gotham cannot know what became of their beloved district attorney. Batman takes the blame for Dent's violence and becomes the sacrificial scapegoat hero who is never thanked, only despised and hunted by the city that he saved.

Knowing that the Joker is bin Laden, my question would be whether George W. Bush saw himself as Harvey Dent-the earnest public servant transformed by the monsters that he fights-You thought we could be decent men in an indecent world?-or Batman, our vigilante who does the wrong things for the right reasons and carries that burden because no one else can.

The film's moment of truth emerges when the Joker's “social experiment” in which two barges filled with evacuees are both rigged with bombs and the passengers of each are given a remote-control detonator to blow up the other. Whichever set of passengers decides to push the button first will be spared, but if neither have done so by the stroke of midnight, both will be destroyed. One barge is occupied from inmates from the local prison, the other is filled with apparently upstanding citizens. The Joker plays off their class prejudices, with the good citizens arguing that they shouldn't sacrifice themselves for criminals

According to the Joker, people are only as honourable as their situations allow them to be; if you threaten their security, all ethics and values go out the window. Batman counters that the people of Gotham are good, and he's right; the people on both barges reject the Joker's ultimatum, refusing to destroy the other. But Bush and bin Laden had a similar conversation with America, and we failed the test: the reelection of Bush during his war in Iraq was owned to Americans saying, Yes, to save ourselves we will blow up the innocent. Bin Laden wins.

Long Time Coming

Well apparently I rarely update my blog. It's just that I usually forget to update this thing, when I'm actually on the internet. Other things to do, music, and TV shows to download, get caught up on my internet reading, then it's time to move on again. And the things going on in my life right now, I feel odd sharing online. It's been a time to confide in close personal friends.

The radio show has been going really well. It's most definitely the highlight of my week. Also a few weeks ago, I got to see my hero Buck 65, as he was in the city doing a show for Jazzfest. I'm so glad I got to see him, I love his music like so fucking much, I cannot explain. He just speaks to me, an amazingly great lyricist. After the show, he came down off stages and started shaking hands with people in the crowd, I drunkenly walked up to him and gave him a hug. Not exactly sure what I said. A few seconds later I found Jocelyn to tell her the awesome news, and she mentioned getting her camera, and we found her camera and managed to score a picture, the two of us with him. I also gave him another hug, and he thanked me for the earlier hug.

I wish I had the courage to dance the way he dances, to not care about what other people think. Dancing can be extremely embarrassing when it shouldn't be. I loved when he'd say “watch this” and go into one of his awesome crazy dances. Want to be able to have that courage. I'm still not at that stage. I was able to take some awesome pictures of his performance. However, I was super-intoxicated, after the show. Jocelyn and I were walking by a fountain that someone had put bubbles in. She convinced me, by saying it would be fun, to jump in. So I did, had a great time playing in the fountain. However I later realized that my iPhone was in my pocket. All the pictures I took from that night = null & void.

I was in a pretty big funk right before Buck sauntered his way into my fair city, and it gave me the jump-start I desperately needed. Ever since he came and went, my life has been on an upswing.

My last post it seemed like I was semi-freaking out about my upcoming birthday. It went well. Do not remember much after 11 p.m. I got cut off, well half cut off, I was told the bartender said no more shots, or doubles. Singles were acceptable. I'm glad he afforded me that, not that I needed it. But from what I'm told I had a great night, hit on too many people that proved inappropriate. Made a few new friends who I shall never remember.

Last year I was filled with so much hope and inspiration. I have no idea where it as gone. I'm looking for it. Been pondering free will versus fate. A friend came to me in a dream a few weeks ago and asked if I believed in fate, and a great conversation came of it. Will things just come to me, or must I go out and seek them?

Seeking is fun, and I'm always up for adventure, or at least that's what I like to tell myself. Ramble, ramble, on and on I go. But I need to get this out. Thinking aloud. Been thinking a lot, about the way I act, and how I accept certain things, that no reasonable person would. Is this just who I am as a person, or have I just learned to accept these things in my life, because it's just not worth the time and effort. I hate to waste energy. Is it that I have no fight left? I sincerely hope that is not the case.

Reflecting what does it all mean. My actions, and subsequent reactions. Where does this all lead. Is there a point of this. What do I want out of life, and what am I willing to do to achieve it. I've always been the classic underachiever. Maintaining the bare minimum. Grade 10-12, took me four years, whereas it should've only taken three. It's not that I'm dumb, I just didn't want to put the effort into it, it all seemed pointless. Am I back at that place, but rather than it being high school, this is life. Is it possible to underachieve in life? I'm sure it is. It is not how I'd like to be remembered. Charlie the underachiever-oh the things she could've done if she applied herself. Or if she even just TRIED. Need some sort of motivation, but I suppose that only comes from within.


As things have transpired in the past few days since beginning to write this (July 16, it is now July 20), I'm starting to believe more in fate, than free will. What makes us do certain things to wind up in certain situations? If we turned left instead of right, we wouldn't have witnessed something that may or may not have changed the way we feel.

I'm a fuck up. That's pretty much it. I love the drama, can't seem to escape it. I try to, but find myself being drawn back. Now it's pretty much over, but I know I'll always be there for people in my life, even though I should've let them go long ago. It's over before it starts. I get into relationships like that, where I know it's over before it even starts. But I'm in love with being in love, no matter how shitty and fucked up the situation is. I don't like letting people down, even though they don't deserve the goodness that comes from me. I must grow up and learn and move on. We know this won't actually happen.

I turn 25 in 10 days. I'm unsure how I feel about that. I don't know if I'm happy at this point in my life right now. It's making me reflect and think. Last year I had at these grandiose plans. None of which I've actually followed through on. I seem to be all talk and no action. Must work on the action part.

I make horrible decisions. But I must accept them, and go on with life. I don't know what to do, where to go. I can't leave certain people behind even though I must. I don't want to seem to be the abandoner, although they first abandoned me. I realise I make the wrong kinds of "friends" but I think they need my help and no one else will give them the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve that benefit, but I want them to prove everyone else wrong, and they just end up confirming everyone else's suspicions about them. So embarrassing. I need to start updating this more often. It helps me self-reflect. No more internet at home. We had a good run. I'd say a year off of free hi-jacked internet was more than enough time. I'm surprised it lasted that long.

On a more positive note, my mom, yesterday, spiritually adopted this guy into our family. So now I have another brother, spiritually. It was my first time meeting him, and she's known him for years. He seems like a pretty rad dude from the vibe I got from him. He's family now. I was joking with my mom after he left, next time I see him in public, I'm gonna be like "hey brother, can I have some money?" I learned we have a similar sense of humour. After the adoption, he asked my mom, "does this mean I'm in the will now?" It's been a gorgeous weekend, and I had a 4 day weekend, one of those days I was sick though, the other 3 spent out in the park, the zoo and the sun.

Plans for this weekend, go to Kenora with my bestest for May long. Lots of bevys shall be had.

Surprise!

I'm unsure if this blog deserves an update. My last update was almost 2 months ago. A lot of shit has happened since then. I'm trying to be a better person, trying to move on, just TRYING in general.

Live music escapes me. There's tons of awesome/amazing shows going on in this fair city, however, I have not been motivated to go to any of them.

The end of February and beginning of March were absolute shit! I'm sure live music would've helped immensely. It was a catch-22 though. Felt depressed and worthless, so not wanting to go out to the one thing that could possibly make me happy, was like UGH!

I'm MOSTLY (but not completely, and will never be) over it now, and starting to get better and not let things get me down. Go with the flow, that's my motto. It's all you really can do.

I've come to the realisation that I must love the drama. Haha. I claim to hate it, but it makes life interesting and a little bit more exciting, although all the more frustrating. Meh, oh well. I really don't want to get into too many details here. The details are for me, and those close to me.

I turn 25 in less than 2 months. Must figure out a plan. I know there's a few awesome shows going on that week, that might be a part of my birthday celebrations. Also the idea of a house party is being thrown around. But that means I must clean house before then, and then again after the party.

So yes, things are different, and also very much the same. I miss writing, I miss my guitar, but must focus on other things at the present time. Like I said just trying to be happy, trying to be me, and just again just trying and struggling for the betterment of everything.

The Moment

Something I wrote a few weeks ago.

The moment
You walk out that door
Everything ends
There ain't no
goin back
Must start
over again
Just leave me alone
Don't even
Want to
be friends
Dragged on
Far too long
Just want it
All to end
You said
it all tonight
Don't want
to be here
Not even trying to
Put up a fight
For everything
We had
Never want to hear
from you again
You brought
me along
To hurt me again
I really need
this to end
So sick of this
back and forth
You don't treat
Me what I'm worth
Leave me alone tonight
for right now
and the rest
of your life.

Good Stuff

I meant to write a blog update, on January 27th, which was the year mark of me starting this. However, I got distracted as usual, and forgot to update this entirely. Just finished listening to Bike for Three! - More Heart Than Brains. I love that album and cannot get enough of it. It's so good.

I had an amazing weekend. On Friday I went to The Royal Albert to check out Bloodshot Bill and The Angry Dragons. Had a great time dancing. Jocelyn joined up with me. Just when I thought it was over after The Angry Dragons stopped playing, another band started setting up. The Vibrating Beds were so good! The Angry Dragons rocked so hard, and made me want to dance! And The Vibrating beds were just amazing. Didn't get home until after 3. Watched Entourage. I love that show.

Saturday was much the same as Friday night, headed over to The Royal Albert, when I arrived The Farrell Brothers just hit the stage. It was only my second time seeing them, but I'd definitely go see them again. Then Bloodshot Bill hit the stage with 3/4s of The Angry Dragons, as his backing band. It was awesome, I love going out and dancing, and this music made me want to dance.

Sunday we did the FUNdrive show. It was so awesome. I had so much fun doing it. We played a lot of awesome music. We sang Jackson on air. I was Johnny Cash, and Jocelyn played the part of June Carter Cash. It was a blast, and had a great time doing the show. We broke our goal and raised 985$! That was a great feeling, raising that much, especially during the Super Bowl. Go us! After the show, went to go check out The Crooked Brothers, and the end of the Super Bowl. Matt, from The Crooked Brothers, lost his voice. I'd really like to go see them again when he has his voice back.

I'm keeping my ears to the ground for things going on this weekend. I can't be bothered to stay in. Need to get out. And dance. Or just enjoy music.

Monotonix

As if I totally forgot to mention Monotonix. What an amazing show! I'm so glad I went, although I did get sick as I was on my way to the venue. Damn old beer kegs! They were so good, played pretty much everywhere except the stage. The energy of the crowd was amazing. They played on top of the crowd! So good! So much fun! I semi survived the pit. Didn't last too long, although I was close to the band the whole night, but really who wasn't? Every time they stop through town, I shall be there!

The band had great energy, they really know how to put on a show and tear it up! Cannot wait until they pass by here again. I was wasted by the end of the night. As I was buying shots for the people I was there with, I made the comment "this is why we don't let me drink", and then Jocelyn says, "this is why we let you drink, you buy us drinks." Touche!

Approaching

I'm approaching the one year anniversary of the starting of this blog. So much, and nothing at all has changed. Makes one wonder. I'm kicking myself in the ass right now. There's a few bands playing at The Cavern I wanted to check out. But I didn't go for whatever reason. I should've just went.

Oh well, a nice quiet Friday night at home. I believe it has been a while since I had one of those. Just seems so strange and odd to be at home on a Friday, doing nothing. I'm restless, need company. Need to dance, need to breathe, need to live.

So yes

Haven't written in here for a few weeks. Let's see what has transpired. Mexico was awesome. Had a great time chillin' on the beach reading. So relaxing. Just what I wanted out of my vacation. Everyone's asking me what I did. Nothing is what I did, sat on the beach, drank and read. Nothing could be better. Did go check out Chichen Itza, that was amazing.

Didn't make it back in time to do the first show of the year. However I made up with my first show of the year. I love doing the show. It was hard being away for two weeks. Have another show upcoming in a few hours, definitely looking forward to it.

Since I've been back, I've gone to a few shows. Went to check out Romi Mayes, at Times Change(d), last Friday. Never been in there before. I really dug it. Then the next night, I made my triumphant return to The Albert and caught, The Animalistics, The Ruffnecks and Quagmire. It was an awesome show. I so missed The Albert. Love that venue/bar.

Tuesday is Monotonix at The Pyramid. No excuses, must go! Missed them last time, and missed out on an awesome show.

Life has been wacky. Finally got to catch up with two friends I haven't seen in forever. One meeting went awesome. The other fucked me over, twice. I thought he was like my brother, apparently not. But someone did say family does fucked up shit to another. Just not what I expected. Feel totally betrayed and like a dumbass. Just not fucking cool. Shit happens, and karma's a bitch! He'll get his. Haha!

Enough anger. Must leave in an hour and a bit to go do Only Cowards Sing At Night. It always makes me happy. Just some chill time, sharing music. What more can you ask for?