Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Long Time Coming

Well apparently I rarely update my blog. It's just that I usually forget to update this thing, when I'm actually on the internet. Other things to do, music, and TV shows to download, get caught up on my internet reading, then it's time to move on again. And the things going on in my life right now, I feel odd sharing online. It's been a time to confide in close personal friends.

The radio show has been going really well. It's most definitely the highlight of my week. Also a few weeks ago, I got to see my hero Buck 65, as he was in the city doing a show for Jazzfest. I'm so glad I got to see him, I love his music like so fucking much, I cannot explain. He just speaks to me, an amazingly great lyricist. After the show, he came down off stages and started shaking hands with people in the crowd, I drunkenly walked up to him and gave him a hug. Not exactly sure what I said. A few seconds later I found Jocelyn to tell her the awesome news, and she mentioned getting her camera, and we found her camera and managed to score a picture, the two of us with him. I also gave him another hug, and he thanked me for the earlier hug.

I wish I had the courage to dance the way he dances, to not care about what other people think. Dancing can be extremely embarrassing when it shouldn't be. I loved when he'd say “watch this” and go into one of his awesome crazy dances. Want to be able to have that courage. I'm still not at that stage. I was able to take some awesome pictures of his performance. However, I was super-intoxicated, after the show. Jocelyn and I were walking by a fountain that someone had put bubbles in. She convinced me, by saying it would be fun, to jump in. So I did, had a great time playing in the fountain. However I later realized that my iPhone was in my pocket. All the pictures I took from that night = null & void.

I was in a pretty big funk right before Buck sauntered his way into my fair city, and it gave me the jump-start I desperately needed. Ever since he came and went, my life has been on an upswing.

My last post it seemed like I was semi-freaking out about my upcoming birthday. It went well. Do not remember much after 11 p.m. I got cut off, well half cut off, I was told the bartender said no more shots, or doubles. Singles were acceptable. I'm glad he afforded me that, not that I needed it. But from what I'm told I had a great night, hit on too many people that proved inappropriate. Made a few new friends who I shall never remember.

Last year I was filled with so much hope and inspiration. I have no idea where it as gone. I'm looking for it. Been pondering free will versus fate. A friend came to me in a dream a few weeks ago and asked if I believed in fate, and a great conversation came of it. Will things just come to me, or must I go out and seek them?

Seeking is fun, and I'm always up for adventure, or at least that's what I like to tell myself. Ramble, ramble, on and on I go. But I need to get this out. Thinking aloud. Been thinking a lot, about the way I act, and how I accept certain things, that no reasonable person would. Is this just who I am as a person, or have I just learned to accept these things in my life, because it's just not worth the time and effort. I hate to waste energy. Is it that I have no fight left? I sincerely hope that is not the case.

Reflecting what does it all mean. My actions, and subsequent reactions. Where does this all lead. Is there a point of this. What do I want out of life, and what am I willing to do to achieve it. I've always been the classic underachiever. Maintaining the bare minimum. Grade 10-12, took me four years, whereas it should've only taken three. It's not that I'm dumb, I just didn't want to put the effort into it, it all seemed pointless. Am I back at that place, but rather than it being high school, this is life. Is it possible to underachieve in life? I'm sure it is. It is not how I'd like to be remembered. Charlie the underachiever-oh the things she could've done if she applied herself. Or if she even just TRIED. Need some sort of motivation, but I suppose that only comes from within.

As things have transpired in the past few days since beginning to write this (July 16, it is now July 20), I'm starting to believe more in fate, than free will. What makes us do certain things to wind up in certain situations? If we turned left instead of right, we wouldn't have witnessed something that may or may not have changed the way we feel.

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