Change

Nothing really interesting has happened in my life in the past few days. It's been pretty blah, and uneventful actually. I need excitement. I've still been really quiet as of late, and I think it's bugging people, because they haven't seen me like this for a long time, if ever. I think it's bugging people, because people keep on bugging me. It's like can't I be quiet for a week or two. I just need a break from everything. Saturday I get my a day off, for the first time since last Monday. I'm totally looking forward to it. My weekend is going to be so busy if I get this cheque I'm supposed to get. I need to just do some general shopping. I need a new bong, a new coffee press, and just other general little stuff around my house. I need to go grocery shopping. I need to get my hair cut and possibly dyed before I go to the mountains. I need to get so much stuff done before I go. I have a week and a half to do things. But I can't really do things until I get money. Money sucks. I wish we were on a traditional barter system or something. Oh well. I think I should be able to get most stuff done. I really just want to clean my house and get rid of everything. I think that's why I've been so blah as of late. I just need to clear all the clutter out of my house, and I'll be able to focus more. This weekend shall be a non stop clean fest. I totally want adventure and excitement right now. Everything is just way to stagnant and blah. I need change, I need something new, exciting and intriguing.

Two More Weeks

Two more weeks and I'm spending 5 days with my bestest. I'm so stoked. Shopping shall be had, especially shopping for cowboy/cowgirl boots. I need to get out of this city, yesterday. I've just been in a really fowl mood in the past week or two. I've been having a really short temper, and not been into people trying to cheer me up. It's like leave me the fuck alone please. This one girl at work she's funny, but it's like fuck leave me alone when I'm in a bad mood. She just asked me in a joking way why I was being such a bitch today. Kindly fuck off. I've been bitchy the past two weeks almost. I've just been very quiet and introspective as of late. I'm so not in the fucking mood to keep up appearances right now. The only thing that's keeping me from being totally miserable is that in two weeks, I will be far away from this place. If someone asks me the most innocent question in the wrong way, I might just rip their head off. I really have no tolerance for retardedness. Actually I have no tolerance for anything right now, even if you're being sweet, that might just piss me off more. I just want to be left alone, but I work until Friday then finally get Saturday and Sunday off. I've been working since last Tuesday. I just want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone right now, because I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I just really fucking want to be left alone. People are asking me what's wrong. It's like nothing really, I just don't feel like me, but that's ok. I don't know what's wrong so it's an impossible question for me to answer. I think once I'm with my bestest I'll be ok, she grounds me and makes things better. And I'll be away from this godforsaken place. I think that's it. I just need to get away. I've been stuck in this city for too god damned long. My escapes away back home, aren't really escapes, I think that's just been adding to everything that hasn't been going on. I need a real escape and the mountains will definitely be a real escape. Just keep on repeating over and over in my head two more weeks, two more weeks. That's like my zen mantra, or at the very least how I'm trying to keep zen. I just recently started re reading Fight Club. I love that book, it's totally one of my favourites. This Friday I believe at work I'm going to finally pay off my long overdue library fines, and get a brand spankin' new library card, before you need credit checks for one. Since I've posted a few song lyrics today. I'll end off this post with some original writing.

There is one thing you should know
As much as I go with the flow
I'm not that laid back,
Or super cool
It's just a show put on for you
It's a show called my life
I invite everyone inside
To see the grand facade
Everything is blind or numb
Can't help but feel so dumb.

Effect and Cause

These are the lyrics to yet another song I've been listening to a lot to as of late. This is by The White Stripes.

I guess you have to have a problem
If you want to invent a contraption
Well you cause a train wreck
And then you put me in traction
First came an action
And then a reaction
Bug you can't switch around
For your own satisfaction
Well you burnt my house down
Then got mad at my reaction

Well in every complicated situation
There's a human relation
To make sense of it all
Take a whole lot of concentration
Well you can't blame a baby
For her pregnant ma
And if there's one of these
On the order for laws

It's that you just can't take the effect and make it the cause

Well you can't the effect
And make it the cause
I didn't rob a bank
Because you made up the law
Blame me for robbing Peter
Don't you blame Paul
Can't take the effect
And make it the cause

I ain't the reason that you gave me
No reason to return your call
You built a house of cards
And got shocked when you saw them fall
Well I ain't saying I'm innocent
In fact the reverse
But if you're heading to the grave
Don't blame the hearse
You're like a little girl yelling at her brother
Because you lost his ball

Well you keep on blaming me for what you did
But that ain't all
The way you clean up the wreck
Is enough to give one pause
You seem to forget just how this song started
I'm reacting to you
Because you left me broken hearted

It's just that you can't take the effect and make it the cause

Well you can't take the effect
And make it the cause
I didn't rob a bank
Because you made up the law
Blame me for robbing Peter
Don't you blame Paul
Can't take the effect
And make it the cause.

The Cigarette Song

This song was written by Righteous Ike a local performer, I've heard it recently by Nathan a local band. It's an amazing song, and I'm totally obsessed with it as of late.

If I could only think of a song
If I could only roll a cigarette
Then maybe she would come along
I sit here and smoke until dawn
If I could only think of a song
If I could only roll a cigarette
Then maybe she would come along
I sit here and smoke until dawn
If I could only close my eyes
If I could only close my mind
I wouldn't have to watch the sunrise
Then maybe I could leave you behind
If I could only close my eyes
If I could only close my mind
I wouldn't have to watch the sunrise
Then maybe I could leave you behind
If I could make this world black and white
I'd give all the colours to you
If everything was black as night
I would still be dark without you
If I could make this world black and white
I'd give all the colours to you
If everything was black as night
I would still be dark without you.

Lush

I apparently have a drinking problem. According to my mom. I don't think I drink more often than anyone else my age. I drink mostly on weekends. I'll occasionally have a bottle of wine to myself during the week. It's not like I'm drunk everyday or missing work, etc. It seems like every time I talk to her, she throws in something that I should watch my drinking. I think it's because everyone on that side of the family is sober and no one drinks or does drugs. So my drinking and drug use by comparison is rampant. So tonight, after work I'm going to the liquor store, buying a bottle of wine. Visiting a friend, picking up some drugs, and then I'm going to watch a movie, whilst drunk. Then at 12:30 am is the premiere of Demetri Martin's new show on the Comedy Network. I love him and he's an awesome comedian, he's so totally hilarious. I'm looking forward to it. I feel I'm rebelling a bit by getting drunk tonight. It's like I don't have a drinking problem, so I shall get shitfaced. Haha. I'm not sure which movie I shall watch tonight. I really want to clean my house. I think in the next few days I'll take some ephedrine and get fucked up and just have a field day scrubbing everything down. I can't clean my house at the moment. I'm having some bill problems, but in the next few days that should be all cleared up. Getting drunk and/or high fixes everything I believe. But that's just me. There's this awesome lyric from a song "every body's looking for the drug that heals" that lyric totally applies to me. I'm so on the hunt for the drug that heals. I'm not convinced it necessarily exists. I think the key to healing ourselves comes from within. No amount of drugs or alcohol will fix anything. Although it does make for good fun times. But as much as I'm convinced that drugs don't help anything, that doesn't stop me from experimenting and hopefully finding the right mixture.

Gong Show

So Friday night was one of the most expensive nights out on the town. I spent like $100 at the bar; on drinks, cabs, and cigarettes. The replacement cost for keys including 2 keys, a tow for my car to get to the dealership (I have computer chips in my keys) cost me $250. My make up was in my car, and I had to re buy all the liquid stuff, that was like $70. And when I got to my car on Tuesday there was a parking ticket for $35, if I don't pay in the next two weeks jumps up to $70. So I spent like $500. A few days ago, I really just wanted to throw the towel in, fuck everything and disappear. When I was driving back into the city on Monday, I almost kept on driving. I just wanted to keep on going, to nowhere in particular. Just someplace new. I got some awesome news last night, so I'm not as tempted to run away, and feel I can hang in for a few more weeks until I go on my vacation, and see my bestest. I can't wait. Much shopping shall be had. I absolutely NEED a pair of cowboy boots just because. So yes, Monday I didn't run away as much as I wanted too. It took every ounce of strength for me to stay. When I got home I almost immediately left. I just wanted to fuck off and leave everything behind. I'm in a better place right now and feel like I can stick it out. Just got to think 3 more weeks, and I'll be hanging with my bestest! Hopefully we'll be drunk and stoned out of our minds. I'm stoked. Lots of shopping and tattoos shall be had!

Glutton

A million and one thoughts
racing through my head
I wonder how all of this will end
All these thoughts can't escape
I just want you to be my date
It always turns out this way
I don't know why
I'm so surprised
There was nothing you tried to hide
But still it makes me feel like shit inside
Just want everything to stop
But can't seem to get enough
Glutton for punishment
It's not how things should have went
Standing here watching everything come and go
Never have to feel this low
But I'm a glutton for punishment
This is something you should know.

Good Fun Times

Friday was good fun times. I worked, and played guitar at work, it was fun. After work, went to a local bar for 80's vs. 90's night. It was off the hook. I got super shitfaced, and danced the night away. I was drinking doubles pretty much all night, surprisingly I didn't do any shots, which is totally weird/odd. Last call was a gong show. I bought myself 2 doubles, and then my friend bought me a drink, so I'm on the dance floor with 3 drinks in my hand. God did I feel like an alcoholic. I lost a pack of smokes at the bar. After the bar, we went back to my friends place, and we stopped at Mac's to buy more cigarettes. We chilled out in his place for a while, had another drink. Talked until like 5:30 in the morning, then finally went to bed. I slept until about 2:30 in the afternoon. Then around 3:30 I was getting ready to go home, and I look in my pockets for my car key. It's no where to be found!! And it's the only key I have. Tried retracing my footsteps, couldn't find my keys...and while I was looking for my keys, I also discovered I lost my 2nd pack of cigarettes. Like 2 fucking packs of smokes in one night, god damn. Tried calling the bar, they haven't found anything. Tried calling the cab company, their lost and found isn't open until Tuesday, because Monday is a holiday, and I can't get a key made at my car dealership, because their parts department is closed until Tuesday. So I'm without a car until Tuesday at the earliest. All my make up is in my car, so I had to re buy all the liquid stuff today, and my guitar is in the trunk of my car, it's very sad and cold back there. But with all the losing stuff, I still had a blast. Last night I went and seen The Wrestler with my aunt's husband. Amazing movie, Mickey Rourke is amazing in it!!! So good, I want to see it again. Kind of an ironic moment, in the movie Mickey's character has a heart attack, about 5 minutes later, this lady in the theatre starts freaking out and screaming saying someone call 911, her husband was having a heart attack!!! The movie kept on playing, and within 5 minutes the situation was resolved, and I was able to finish watching the movie. Lots of people helped her out so it was cool, and I think her husband was ok. Then I decided to catch a ride with my aunt's husband back home to visit my mom and dad. So now I'm here until tomorrow, just because staying in the city for a long weekend with no plans seemed ultra sucky. My mom is lending me her car to get back to the city tomorrow, so that should be stellar, and make running my errands for getting a key for my car on Tuesday a hell of a lot easier. I went to Wal Mart today and re bought all my make up that I know is now ruined. I miss my guitar, and all my important things are in my car. My guitar is in there, my bag with my notebooks. I can't wait until I get my car back, and get a key. There was something else I was going to write but can't think of it now. Oh well, another time.

Say What?

Hmmm I don't know what I was thinking. I just donated $150 to a local radio station. They support local artists, and Canadian artists in general. Anyone who knows me I don't give my money away to anyone, even the deserving (this is actually not true), but I don't give away actual money. I'll help people out with what they need, etc. But me donate to a charity or a radio station? Just weirdness and out of character. And I don't have $150 to donate but whatever. Go payment plans, $12.50 a month just seemed like nothing to part with. I can easily afford $12.50 a month. That just one less bottle of wine I buy or something comparable. I have a few addictions I could barely cut down on, to afford this extra $12.50 expense. And I'm supporting local radio, local talent. It's an volunteer radio station, and the show I donated to; played 2 Propagandhi songs in a row, so I just had to do it. I'm totally just getting back into the local music scene. It's just so fucking awesome, any music scene in general. It's just amazing the talent that is literally in our backyards. I'm just at such a great place right now, finding inspiration everywhere, like wow. I'm keeping my mind, eyes and ears wide open. I don't want to miss anything. Everything and nothing is inspiration. So nothing is actually something. Just like nowhere is now here. I don't why it's taken so long to get to this point, or how I've actually gotten to this point, where everything is inspiration. It's just amazing to actually get to this point.

I Can Be Your Cherry Cola

Today is the slowest day on record. I don't believe there's anything that can speed it up. I'm stuck at work for another hour and half. I really just want to go home. I still have very little to no voice. I was told the other day I sounded like a blues singer, which I totally appreciated. Another person asked if I was going through puberty, to which I retorted that I was a late bloomer. I always thought I had the voice of a prepubescent boy, apparently now I'm getting my man voice. So I guess all the drinking and partying has finally paid off and my voice is getting more husky, hurrah! I bet my voice will be back to normal though in a few days, so more hard drinking and partying will have to be had. Topic change, kind of. In exactly one months time I shall be hanging out with my bestest in the mountains. I'm so stoked. I didn't go to bed until almost four in the morning last night. I watched 2 awesome movies back to back, then Flight of the Conchords was on, and I finished off the night with The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, because you just can't watch one without the other. After that I decided to listen to a song or two, then I was 3:00 a.m. and I was beat so I decided to go bed, and I ended up laying there until almost 4. I have nothing planned for tonight, and I'm broker than a joke. This Friday there's this awesome thing happening at a local club, and I really want to go, however I have no one to go with, and I hate going to clubs alone. I need to find someone to come along with me. This weekend is a long weekend, and I have absolutely no plans. I never have any plans any weekend really, so I don't know why this weekend would be any different. I'm sure I'll figure out something to occupy my time, I usually do.

Can't Keep This To Myself

I'm currently at work. So far the morning has been uneventful. I've been listening to this awesome new CD by this artist named Wab Kinew, and his album is called Live by the Drum. I'm not generally a fan of rap music, however I'm really enjoying the lyrics, and the beats he's creating. It's just a killer album every song has it's highlights. I'm not sure if there's a song that I DON'T like. In the mean time I don't have a voice, or the voice that I have left sounds horrid. I can't scream, like what if I was to get attacked or something? I wouldn't have a voice to defend myself. I was on the radio last night for a few brief seconds. One of my friends hosts a local radio show on Sunday night, and I was helping her answer phones for the FunDrive. At one point she convinced me to go on air. I did my shtick which is a lot of Awesomes, Totallys and For Sures. We talked a bit about Propagandhi, it was fun. It just opened up my eyes a little bit more. I really want to be on the radio, but I'm not sure what I'd talk about, or what I'd play, because I like such a wide variety of music. What would my radio show be like. Those are the thoughts I've been entertaining in my head since last night. I've been immersing myself into music as well. I'm working on writing my own, what will my album be like when it's released. What genre would my music be. I'm unsure, I believe it'll be more rock influenced. That seems to be the genre of music I listen to the most. I really want to start recording. However I must write first, my inspiration as of late has been amazing. I don't know if there has previously been a time in my life when I've felt this inspired. It's such a great feeling. I think I'm starting to write an album. Well I'm writing poems as of late, which I hope to convert or gather some inspiration from for lyrics. I'm really stoked at this creative process. It's a challenge thinking creatively after all of these years thinking very logically and linearly. I'm enjoying this challenge. I'm totally looking forward to the future and what it holds. My nowhere tattoo is such an inspiration to my life now. I'm totally stoked I finally got it. It's just nothing but pure inspiration for me. For me, my life is currently all about inspiration and creativity. In the near future I'd like to collaborate with some people, but for now I'm all about internalising, and collaborating with myself. I've been getting into the local music scene, and it's great how these bands do so much on their own without being afraid. I'm looking within myself for that type of courage. To be unafraid what people think and bare myself on stage. But that's what's mainly going through my mind as of late.

Awesomness

Everything is good for now. I figured shit out last night, and like I said in times like this everything rectifies itself, and most things have figured themselves out. I'm super stoked and excited over the latest developments. I really couldn't be happier. I'm sure I could be happier, but not much could make me that much happier. I booked a week off of work next month, to visit my bestest. It shall be awesome. I just have to book my flights now. Hopefully by the middle of next week I shall have that done. I'm so stoked. Here's just a lil something I started last night. I don't believe it's done yet.

You and I are so bad for eachother.
Whenever I'm with you,
I have such a blast,
But if something were to happen between us,
I just don't think it'll last.

Lost

I don't even know where to start with this. It seems as if everything is good, but at the same moment everything seems to be falling apart. I just don't know what to think, or do. My options seems to be running out. But I know in like a week or two things will be more bearable. I know in my life when everything seems to be going down the shitter, it's only a matter of time before everything rectifies itself. I'm so glad I finally got my nowhere tattoo. It's definitely helping me a lot as of late. I just tend to fuck things up, or make things weird with people. I try not to, but I keep on repeating past mistakes, hoping the next situation will turn out differently, but so far it has yet too. Here's something I wrote in the past few weeks. I've been doing a lot of drinking lately and it's been helping me write. I think this may become a bad dependency, however I'm enjoying it for now. I should learn to write without the help of any drug or alcohol stimulus, however I need it for the time being.

These feelings that you're making me feel inside
They scare me to death
I've never really felt like this before
The thought of being without you is terrifying
I must keep this bottled up deep inside
I'm scared to lose myself
I'm scared of the person I may become
You seem to make me different, but the same
All these thoughts are driving me insane.
I cannot explain the way you make me feel.
Everything is disorder and chaos
But things couldn't seem clearer
I just want you to be nearer,
I want to stop feeling this way.
Can you feel this way too?
No one gets me quite like you do
You almost make me feel sane.

The Things I Do

Why do I do to the things I do?
I'm designed to destroy everything
It makes me feel like such a fool
I just can't say no
Oh, the trouble it gets me into
He knows my heart belongs to someone else.
What am I to do?
I can't trust myself,
To make the right decision
We seen each other in a light,
That was never meant to be
I hope that things don't change,
I chase everyone away,
I'm so fucked up,
I can't really help it.