Tuesday, March 15, 2011

**Long Awaited Update**

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Well I haven't updated this blog in like forever! I used to update it all the time, and I don't even remember the last time I updated it. I'm currently writing in my MacBook (yes I'm a snob like that) in a text document, so I can't even look back to see when the last update was and what I last wrote. I believe it was sometime in the summertime when I was feeling betrayed by the people I trusted around me.

Well a few things are new with me, somethings I'm not ready to divulge at this particular moment, but sometime in the upcoming weeks/months.

I've quit drinking, after a gong show New Years Eve, that I don't particularly remember. I was blacked out before midnight, didn't start drinking until after 10 p.m. so that spelled disaster right there. Too many embarrassing stories the next day and weeks told about me and my antics. Figured my drinking days were over since, I couldn't get a grip on myself anymore. Being out of control is not fun. At least my planned self destruction a few years ago, was planned and in control, where I never blacked out. But as time went on being blacked out and doing embarrassing shit became a normal occurrence. That was not the path I wanted to be headed down.

Also in the past month or two, I've given up the one thing that was a constant in my life for the past 10 years. Marijuana. It was a big step, but it had to be done. Surprisingly I don't actually miss it as much as I thought I would. I find my mind is a lot clearer. I'm not so sluggish and I actually feel motivated to do things. I'm not blaming pot for making me sluggish and unmotivated. I believe that part of me was within myself, and I let pot be a crutch for that.

I haven't been writing lately. I don't know what to write, it's like I've hit a wall. Also I don't remember the last time I picked up my guitars and even tuned them. They're so sad and neglected. I miss them, but rarely have the alone time to play with them. Life is cleaning and work now. I'm determined to keep my house clean and not to fall back into old behaviours.

I'm at a major turning point in my life now. I'm 25 now, I'll be 26 in about two months. I have a lot to look forward too. Also another thing I've given up is smoking. I quit smoking back in December. Just once I was finished a pack of cigarettes I decided not to go buy another and it was surprisingly that simple. I haven't had a cigarette since. Not even when I was still drinking. The worst is when I'd crave a cigarette after smoking a bowl. It was my ritual, smoke a bowl, smoke a cigarette. Mmmmm smoke filled lungs. I've become something I never thought I'd be; a sober person, free of everything.

I have a few big choices to make in the near future, decide what I really want for myself. This life is more than just me now, and I have to realise that. I'm unsure what to do, at this current juncture. I know what's coming, but am unsure how to proceed.

I just had a few moments of sideline from writing this, and went into my bedroom to look for something unrelated. But upon further inspection I believe my notebooks from the past few years are missing. So say I'm upset is in understatement. My songs, poems, my soul was in those pads of paper. I hope they're just currently misplaced and hiding somewhere in my abode. I'm too distraught right now to actually look for them. I fear I may just throw things around and create a big mess. I'll wait until I'm calm and have plenty of time to clear things out to look for them. I sincerely hope they're just lost in this mess. Not that there is much of a mess anymore, but I hope you know what I mean.

I was looking for a letter from a doctor's appointment I missed back in December, to get the results of a MRI I had undergone. I forgot to write down the appointment, therefore missed my follow-up. Considering the situation as of late, I feel it's of the utmost importance I get to see the doctor. However, I've only seen this particular doctor once before, and forget his name, and I know what department he works, perhaps on Monday, I'll call that department at the hospital and see what I can do from there.

But yes, I hope to update this thing more often. We shall see where my life is headed now, and what's in store for me.

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